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Will the baby look like me?

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1 fertility expert(s) answered this question

Answer from: Becky Kearns

Fertility Coach, Patient Advocate and Founder of www.definingmum.com and Paths To Parent Hub
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I think that is something that we always really hope and quite often when people are choosing to use a donor, they choose a donor that looks like them and resembles them, because they want to have that close match with their child and they don’t want it to be obvious to a stranger in the street that they’re not genetically related. Our donor looked like me on paper, i never saw a photo of her and that was probably one of my biggest worries whilst I was pregnant, what would my baby look like. Which at the time I felt really shallow for but it was something that was very real. I knew that they would have features of my husband but it was all a bit of an unknown apart from that which is very hard to deal with. But once my children were born I thought less about them looking like me and I saw them for who they are themselves. That is what I’ve come to learn, you create a unique, individual person and you are very involved in that, carrying that person, epigenetically you’re switching on and expressing certain genes. But there is a level of acceptance in knowing that you won’t necessarily see your family eye shape or your family nose in that child.

But what I have found and as my girls are now five and three is that you will see yourselves in them in so many other ways that are brought about by nurture so I see my mannerisms, I hear myself in how they speak and many people say how they are like me in personality and that is just through time spent together and nurture. So I think you need to be realistic and no you are not going to produce a mini me when you are using donor eggs, as much as you may try. But know that you are still playing a hugely important role in giving them life and epigenetically the environment that you create will help shape that individual person and then you nurture them from day one.

That helps them become who they’re going to be so if someone says to you, I don’t know whether they look like you, my best response is well they look like themselves or they are beautiful the way they are. That is just a way of reframing it where the person can’t come back to you and ask any more probing questions. But it’s also the truth because they do look like themselves as they are so uniquely individual and I love them for it even the traits that must come from the donor as well. At first I would have really struggled with thinking about those, is it going to be really obvious. My eldest daughter has really curly hair which isn’t anywhere in my husband’s line in the family so that must come from our donor and we celebrate that and she knows that and she thinks that the donor must have put a curl inside the egg that she gave us. It is hard to accept but there are other ways you can think about how that child might be like you .

 

About this question:

What are the odds that the baby will look like me?

What are the chances that the baby will look like my partner and me? Are there any guarantees? These are the most common questions that you may have when egg donation is to be considered.

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