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Our uniqueness as human beings and the subjectivity in our perception of reality is a given.
How we behave in various life situations and challenges is affected by our model of the world as it is shaped by our experience, our upbringing, our education, our social relationships, the skills we have developed, our values and beliefs about things.
Thus, our coping strategies when faced with challenges differ as well. That is why it is so valuable to discover our own strategies – the way our senses of reality translate into behaviour. We have great and effective strategies, and we also have unhelpful strategies, repetitive behavioural motifs that do not serve us well. Identifying them is the way to have a chance to adapt them into effective strategies and behaviours.
So, to come back to the question, it is important to keep in mind the distinction between the behaviour and the intention of this behaviour.
As humans we tend to ‘label’ behaviour, pretty quickly – examples – ‘She didn’t kiss me good morning today so that means she is angry at me’, ‘he doesn’t want to talk about it that means he doesn’t care’. ‘She doesn’t want to have sex, that means she rejects me’.
We are in a hurry to jump into conclusions. And we have a very wise saying in NLP – Perception is Projection…. we tend to make judgements about things based on our model of the world…
One piece of advice –
Look behind the behaviour – again be a detective and enquire, even ask – about the positive intention that lurks behind this behaviour.
Again, an example I often encounter in my coaching/counseling sessions with couples –
The lady complains that her partner booked a holiday just at the time when they would be starting their next IVF cycle. ‘He doesn’t give a damn about the whole thing and especially about how I feel… He is so indifferent’.
When talking to the husband here is the response I got – ‘I am so concerned for her: she is obsessing about the IVF process, it is the only thing she talks and thinks about. I want to give her a chance to relax, to be with her, the two of us together’
What is happening here – the same behaviour – booking a holiday – one partner interprets it as indifference and to the other the intention is caring, it was his way of taking care of his wife and their relationship.
WOW – The power of communication – of effective and open communication. The power of TOGETHER IN COMMUNICATION.
Look beyond behaviour – look for the intention – Ask and communicate, don’t assume!
There are ways of doing that – it is my mission to re-educate couples, going through their fertility journey, on how to communicate to each other more meaningfully and effectively. The world is a better place this way!
Answer from:
You may have heard of the very famous book “Women are from Venus, men are from Mars”. If yes, you have some understanding that often we approach things in different ways, and even as different people, not just different genders we approach things in very different ways. Often when it may seem that your partner isn’t caring as much, it is just a different approach, a different way of showing that. For example, I often find that women really want to talk about infertility more than men, and they feel that that lack of talk or that silence on an issue is a lack of care.
In my experience, generally, that’s not the case. It’s just a different coping mechanism, a different way of dealing with it. I think, coming back together on that and opening up, if you can, is important because you don’t want that between you when you’re going through all of the other struggles of infertility. What I would love you to do is draw comfort from the fact that your partner is there to support you in a different way, and may bring different things to you than you would have expected but actually it may be just what you need.
Talking through it is so important but I do believe underneath it, in most cases, they really do care. It’s just that different approach, a different way of showing love, concern, affection. Be specific about what you need. For example, if you do need to talk about it more just say “can we set aside 7 p.m. to 7:30 p.m. and that’s when we talk around it?” Sometimes even limiting that fertility talk can be really beneficial and releasing the pressure on the partner who doesn’t want to talk about it all day, or feel like it’s around you all day and just having that window of time. Putting some limits on talk could be one way of helping, but also being specific about what you need is really important.
Physical touch also – just getting something simple as a hug, can be one of the best ways to show that we care, and also making sure that during this horrendous journey of infertility that you are still supporting each other in those ways as well.
Answer from:
I think it can be really hard when it feels like one of you is more invested in this than the other and often it can be a time to seek support from a counsellor or a coach to help talk these things through if you feel you can’t make progress together. It might not be that they don’t care, they just might not be able to express it in a way that you feel that they care. Its maybe also a time to be really honest with your partner and ask them, what do they really think and maybe be prepared to hear some honest things back from your partner and if your partner doesn’t want to move forward and you do then again, that is something that may need to be discussed further with the support of a counsellor because it might well be that that is part of what happens in your relationship. You do need to work out how to disagree in order to find a common ground in where you end up. But I think seeking the advice of third party would maybe help get a better outcome.
Answer from:
This is a question that many women ask themselves. It is not a quantitative problem but a qualitative one.
Many women perceive this difference in worry and it makes them feel angry with their partners.
Obviously going through the physical process or not, makes a difference in involvement, the partner isn’t exposed to some hormonal alterations, therefore it is possible to perceive it as more stable and therefore less involved, but this is not the case. It is simply that the partner faces it from a different perspective, less physical and from his own psychology, which in the case of men is generally more pragmatic.
In my experience of dealing with couples, the man suffers a lot, but he expresses it in a different way.
In fact, there is a recent study that concludes that men also suffer anxiety, depression and stress as a result of a diagnosis of infertility. We professionals must include them in terms of emotional support because on many occasions, when infertility is a male factor, they feel responsible for putting their partners through the treatments, ashamed, less manly and a long etc. that deserves psychological attention.
