Answer from: Sarah Banks
It can be really difficult when you’re going through fertility treatment, and two people don’t necessarily cope in the same way. You and your partner may cope differently with going through treatment and use different coping mechanisms. It’s really important to try and get through it together and look at ways to rekindle the romance you had. Look at the couple you were before and what you had in common, and what you love about each other so that you can cope together when going through treatment. Some good things to think about are writing down things that you love about each other, maybe pick ten things, and then swap to see what each other think and how you feel about each other and what you love about each other. Swap them over and enjoy reading them, and it just reminds you why you’re together and that you’re not all about creating a baby. You’re a couple in love, and this is what you love about each other.
Maybe write down your favourite feature about them, what attracted you to them in the first place, how they make you feel special and how they’ve made you feel, how they’ve supported you. Think about the different things they’ve done there. So it’s just putting the focus back on the two of you and what you love about each other. Secondly, it’s really important not to place blame, so whoever the issue is with medically, you see it as a joint issue. Otherwise, they’ll start to build resentment between one another. To cope with going through it, it’s much better to see it as a joint problem rather than seeing it as an individual problem and somebody’s fault. You’ll get resentment and guilt on one side or the other as well. Have designated no baby or no IVF talk time.
Take time out together but agree that you’re not going to talk about treatment, so it doesn’t become the sole focus of your relationship. You have things outside of your relationship, outside of trying, that is a common interest. You’re talking about something different to just the focus on getting pregnant. Plan quality time together. Think about things you used to love doing together before you started trying, before you started treatment, that you’ve maybe stopped doing. Plan in some of those things together. Plan in some time where it’s just the two of you, and you enjoy each other’s company, again with no talk of treatment. Or, if you want to set time aside to talk about treatment, you can do that but agree on a set time. Except that you may cope differently to one another, men and women cope very differently. Women cope very differently to one another, everybody’s individual. Look for your own ways of coping so that you have somebody outside of your partner to offload onto, to talk to, so the pressure isn’t on just both of you to support each other; you have other people outside of that. Except that maybe your partner copes differently to you, maybe isn’t as emotional, maybe doesn’t show it as much.
Still, it doesn’t mean that they’re not as upset about you not being able to conceive and about having to go through treatment, so talk about how you feel so that you both understand that. Keep talking to one another so that that understanding is there, that you are both feeling the same, and you’re not starting to worry that one is more bothered than the other. Then don’t just have baby-making sex as well. I know the doctors will probably talk about this but don’t make it, so all the focus is on it. Make it so that you’re there together as a couple and just remember you were a couple in love before you started trying. Remember what it is you love about each other it’s not just about creating that baby.
